It’s just a panic attack…!

I’m in the supermarket. I’ve only just walked in. As usual, the white light shocks me. But tonight something is different. It’s like, extra bright. I squint behind my fingers to shield the glare. 

Why is there no damn softness in here? There’s no gaps, no spaces. It’s full-on intensity.

Now the air is groaning. It vibrates through my body. And the squeal of the big aircon machines is like a drill in my ears. I can feel myself grimacing. And oh god, not that whining stupid Africa song again, do they have to play it every hour here or something? Dreadful song. I bless the raaains down in Aaaaafrica. Ah, I cover my ears. 

No, don’t do that Claudia, people will see you.

I drop my hands. Something must be wrong with me. I feel off.

Now I’m shaking. All these people in front of me, they’re churning my insides.

The lights are blinding me. I can hear my heart beat. It’s getting louder. My chest hurts. Or does it? I don’t know. It is hard to breathe. I breathe shaky.

People around me are just shopping normally, stopping to pick items up and putting them in trolleys and walking on like they always do. Everything looks just normal. 

But I feel weird, like I’m in slow motion. Like I’m not here.

But the screaming in my head and the pounding of my heart aren’t slow, they’re getting frantic. And the lights, they’re so harsh tonight!

It takes a lot to drag me awaaaaay from you.

Oh somebody please turn that god awful song off!

What’s the matter with me? Something’s wrong. What’s wrong? What’s wrong with me? I wonder if anyone can see me shaking? Can they see I’m dizzy?

Claudia, slow down. Think logically. You’re all over the place.

I just don’t know what to do!

You’re a mess.

What if someone sees me like this… I need to get out. 

Oh for goodness sake. Get a grip. It’s just a shop. You shop two or three times a week almost every damn week. You’ve done this thousands of times! All you need is a frozen meal, something to put in your belly, you can do this. You’re already in here, the freezer section is just there, look! 20 metres away. Grab something and fly out. This is not a dangerous place.

But I don’t move. I stand close to a tower of shelves. As if it can hold me! It’s freezing here but sweat tickles my top lip and bothers me. I wipe it away.

I just can’t. Can’t what? Geez! A punch in my chest. My throat’s stuck. Lightheaded. Maybe I’m sick, that’s it, low blood pressure, I’m just dizzy, must be getting a virus. But really? I was ok just a moment ago. It must be something else. 

My legs jellify. Oh, I know that feeling. That awful feeling with no name. That means I’m collapsing. Not coping. My nerves must be breaking.

What if I bump into someone I know? I won’t be able to say hello! Or what if a client stops in on their way home and sees me like this, a blithering, shaking mess?

Shit. Wouldn’t you know it. There’s a client, just up the aisle, reading a label on a packet. What’s her name? It’s that woman with the big warmblood from Tally Valley. Geez, not now, not tonight. I can’t do this!

Slow down Claudia, you can just turn and go around the other way. You can do this.

No.
I.
Must.
Get.
Out.
Now.

Quick, before she looks up. Flee. Flight.

I spin around and head straight out, into the darkness, back into the car. I lean on the steering wheel, careful enough not to press the horn, but definitely I’m still feeling woozy. I squeeze my eyes and retreat into my internal darkness. Finally some quiet. Some respite.

My heart’s still pounding though. It rocks my body and I can hear it. Should I go to a doctor? Maybe there’s something wrong in my chest. What the hell is wrong? Am I losing the plot? I know I’m broken at the moment. Am I breaking more? Is my heart actually breaking?

Claudia, breathe out, long. 

Slowly, after several minutes of long exhalations, my thoughts gather. I’m a questioner. Always seeking to understand. Why is this happening? What is my body doing? Why am I feeling what I’m feeling? Why here?

And it dawns on me that this must be what they call a panic attack. It makes sense. So my tears start to flow; I seem to have a bottomless stash of them. I try to relax my shoulders. I shake my head really hard to clear the weirdness. Stop and cry some more. Shake again. 

Maybe I should get takeaway. But I feel fragile and just so tired, my automatic pilot takes over and drives me straight home, parks the car, steps me out on shaky legs, presses the lock button, climbs the stairs.

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It’s nearly 10 years ago now since that happened. I had several panic attacks around that time, and I’ve had a few in the years since, mostly in supermarkets or shopping centres. But since that first one I’ve learnt about them, I was getting counselling anyway and that helped, I changed my life and I learnt how to manage and mostly prevent them.

Perhaps it helped me that veterinary science, animal behaviour studies and years of working with animals gave me a good grounding in the workings of the sympathetic nervous system. Humans are no different. I understand the natural biological responses of fight or flight or freeze (and faun and my usual response, flop). So I recognised that the physiological symptoms I had experienced – increased heart rate, abnormal breathing, dizziness, jelly legs, the screaming in my brain, shaking, the somewhat irrationally magnified sense of light and noise and crowds – were some of the common symptoms of panic attacks. My body’s nervous system, designed to put me on alert and protect me from danger, had reacted out of balance to the low danger I was in.

In retrospect, I was grieving, my nervous system had taken a beating and I was still in shock. My stress cup had overflowed and my tolerance thresholds were low. I realise that noise in general, and places filled with harsh fluorescent and neon lights, have always bothered me. And sometimes places with multiple different noises going at the same time, and careless crowds, have made me anxious. Perhaps I’m somewhat highly sensitive in some ways, I don’t know, but at that time my nervous system was battered and bruised and it armoured itself up to protect me from having to deal with anything more. I think it was also a big signal to me, that I really was struggling and that I needed to take more care.

And on reflection, yes there was indeed ‘panic’ before I entered the supermarket that evening. I’d been worried about bumping into clients and being put on the spot to explain why I was off work. I didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want questions. I didn’t want to have to fight back tears again. So anxiety had kicked in subconsciously, and panic had grown. 

I now know that panic attacks are common. Some sources say up to 40% of us have at least one in our lives. There is a list of the most common symptoms, and different people have a variety of those symptoms to varying degrees. 

Triggers can be specific, like fears and phobias, or previous related traumatic experiences. Or less specific, like long periods of stress, burnout, overstimulation, grief, exhaustion. 

People who have panic attacks may also have PTSD, anxiety or depression, and genetics can be a factor. Sometimes there’s no known underlying cause at all and they just occur randomly (studies are ongoing to try to determine the root of random panic attacks). Some people have them when they are fast asleep.

Personally I don’t really like the term ‘panic attack’. Attack is such a brutal word. And the word ‘panic’ carries stigma and can be confusing. That night in the supermarket, I would certainly have said I hadn’t felt any panic going in there to buy my dinner. Why would I? But on the other hand, I certainly started panicking at what happened in my body.

I prefer to see a panic attack as a ‘sympathetic nervous system response to a body or mind (conscious or subconscious) that is overwhelmed’. But ‘panic attack’ sounds more punchy I guess. Either way, it’s a body’s natural response to keep you safe. Our own internal protective mechanism.

If they happen often, or if you interpret them in such a way as to make them a reason to keep avoiding doing things or going to places where they might happen, or if you become chronically afraid they might happen, this can develop into what’s called ‘panic disorder’. Extreme cases can cripple people, and lead to conditions like agoraphobia.

I’m not a therapist and this blog is just to share my experience and keep conversation open. I believe it is possible to recover or manage them and most people do. There’s lots of literature and podcasts and tools out there to help. Recent thinking is that it’s important to deal with panic attacks both on a cognitive and somatic level, in order to not let them diminish your life.

Unfortunately, panic attacks often present with very real chest pain or tightening in the chest and, especially if it’s their first attack, people worry they are having a heart attack or dying. In these cases it’s of course important to get help. After that, and going forward, studies show that talking about it with people who care about you, counselling, psychotherapy, understanding the physiology of the sympathetic nervous system, and understanding your own body and your own story, are important approaches to recover and to help stop, reduce or manage any future panic attacks.

These days I still don’t like going into big shopping malls or even supermarkets (which some people think is funny because when I’m in Oz or the UK I often end up going to Coles or Tesco almost daily). But I can get overwhelmed and confused and forgetful in them. It’s often better I go in alone so I can take my time and focus.

And I moved to an island where there aren’t any malls or supermarkets. I ended up giving myself a lot of time to heal before reentering such overwhelming spaces. I know I need to keep a check on my stress levels overall, I gauge my tolerance levels and I try to be very mindful.

Have you had a panic attack or known someone who has? Do you have any tips? And what about the stigma? I wonder if the stigma of being considered ‘weak’ or ‘broken’ has decreased yet. And for those of you who do get panic attacks, how is that managed or supported in your work environment? 

I don’t think the world is getting any less stressful. Probably many people’s stress cups are overflowing. We all know that self-care, rest, laughter, love, connection, exercise, healthy food, sleep and cultivating a work-life balance in our lives are vital tools. But how many of us succeed in leading a stress free life, or learn to cope well and thrive. Sadly I don’t think anxiety and panic attacks are likely to diminish any time soon. And like with all health issues, I think public conversation is wholesome and helpful.

In the UK I’ve seen that supermarkets have dedicated quiet times when they turn the music and lights down. But are there any shopping malls that ever do that? And why on earth aren’t they always like that? Online shopping can be good. Some people use earplugs when going into noisy places. In some countries trains have ‘silent’ carriages. The post pandemic change to increased hours working from home was supposed to give people more quiet time, less commuting time and more agency to perhaps decrease the amount of stimulation and overwhelm in a day, but studies are now showing that it’s causing disconnect and isolation. Will we ever find a healthy balance between too much and too little?